I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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