there's paper in my vomit.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
