I think scott just propositioned me for sex
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
