please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
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