Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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