just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
