she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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