You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
she woke up with a sticky ear
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
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