oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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