swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize