How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
How does one acquire holy water?
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Randomize
