just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
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If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
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He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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