I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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