while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
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