All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
