Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
