Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
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