And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
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I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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