Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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