I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
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