i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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