Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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