my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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