When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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