____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
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