Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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