I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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