dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
