the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
