Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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