drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Randomize
