Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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