'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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