I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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