the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Randomize
