last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize