Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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