Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
