we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
