Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
