so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
This couple is walking their pig around campus
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