I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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