I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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