I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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