So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
