I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
