it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
