Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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