tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
