i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
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