i dont even know how to be here
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
