Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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