oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
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