The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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