Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Randomize
