true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
