I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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