It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
