I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
