Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
